ilyc?

I want to say i luf yub can? Hehehehe.

Saja je.

Nothing.

It feels like the most important people are leaving me. Maybe they should, because I am not worthy enough. No matter how much I put in. I am still not worthy enough. I can never be to someone like how Jo was to me. Hah.

I don't like this.

I hate this feeling. Wanting to die so badly. I do not think it's appropriate to think about death this much at this age.

I have been crying for two nights in a row. I do not wish for a third night.
The eyes are swollen and dry, the heart just keeps aching.

Sometimes I wished I didn't exist, it probably have made a few lives better.

At this point, I do not want to be a director. I really don't. I dread it, I take no pride in it. I am embarassed to label myself as one.

and what's life without money issues? There's always one.

Death seems like a fast escape, a torture and punishment. I wonder what happens if I am having it now.

Which is worst?

I'd like to know which is worst.

After your death, knowing that you made no difference to the world with your existence,

OR

Knowing that it was better if you did not exist?

I have a feeling...

I have a feeling that I am going to die at the age of 60 (or earlier). People will leave me and I will find no one to love and die alone. Jeng jeng.

Pretty messed up.

A little frustrated with people and things around me. It's making me a little emo.
and,
I want someone to love and someone to love me back.

Stupid me.

I don't know why I keep writing about you, eventhough you don't read it, well not anymore.
Yesterday, I tried making it a good day for you but I failed terribly. You were upset, not being able to be free for the day, I thought I could make it a little better for you. Yes, I didn't think much, didn't plan well. I'm a terrible planner.

But when I said I was sorry, you said "it's okay". Does that mean I really did something wrong by trying to make you happier? It hurt me a little. Cried a little too.

I don't know why I do the things I do when I know you don't appreciate it. Therefore, I am stupid.
A big idiot.